The 1st Date with the ‘Next Time’ Girl

  • Date: 29.12.2015
  • Venue: Central & Co; Cocktail Trading Company
  • Participant: Polish Girl

Leading up to Christmas, my two friends and I decided we wanted to all go on separate dates in the same place. The challenge was set: the Monday before Christmas; Central & Co; they had to be new. So, on the week leading up to the event, I went on an inorganic recruitment splurge. I accrued more matches than necessary, but it’s a very addictive game after all. I then adopted the cluster bomb approach: indiscriminately firing out the same message to multiple matches at a time. Continue reading


The Date with the Joker

  • Date: 19.08.2015
  • Venue: Central & Co; The Cocktail Trading Company
  • Participant: The Joker

Another one sourced from Bumble. In half of the photos she looked hot. In the other half she resembled Heath Ledger’s Joker: very pale, verging on white, make-up, big blood red lipstick that elongated her mouth, and wild (although dark) hair. Still, it was enough for me to swipe right. A match. An ensuing conversation. I was on a recruitment drive, so reciprocated. She was responsive, and offered hints of the carefree attitude someone of her twenty two years ought to possess. Continue reading

The Date with the Liberal Tory

  • Date: 25.04.15
  • Venue: Gremios
  • Participant: Tinder Girl #7

I matched with this girl on Tinder a few weeks ago. Congratulations to her, she was my 317th match. My usual practice these days is not to message any of them, but to wait for the ones that message me. This way you can sift out the keener ones.

So she messaged with “Good Moooooorning”. I replied with “Good afternooooooon” (a few days later). It continued like this for a bit. She was from Brixton, which was a convenience I would usually only expect from Happn. An added bonus. Continue reading

The Date with the Bar Crawl

  • Date: 24.04.15
  • Venue: Market House; Prince of Wales; Gremios; Kaff
  • Participant: Happn Girl #3

Some people think Happn is quite ‘stalkerish’. I beg to differ. I met this girl on Happn. I’d first seen her a couple of months back, and gave her a like. No crush. I didn’t charm her. I’d already used up all my free ones in one drunken night’s session. I kept seeing her on Happn, so I presumed she must live in Brixton. Then one night I was out in Kaff bar and I saw her there. She was with another guy. It looked date-like. The next day I saw her on Happn. I looked at her profile again: active 2 months ago. This led me to believe she was seeing someone, probably the guy I saw her in Kaff with, and thus was no longer on the Happn market. Continue reading

The Date with Gremios Girl

  • Date:
  • Venue: Gremios; Market House
  • Participant: Tinder Girl #4

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to get back into Tinder as it’s a resource I don’t feel I’ve made full use of. Obviously organically sourced produce is the most desirable, but in a competitive and saturated market, one needs to be open to aggressive acquisitions.

Upon researching the market, I stumbled across a girl whose pictures included Strongbow and Brighton, two areas of common ground. A good start I thought, and that is how I initiated takeover discussions. Negotiations went fairly smoothly and it wasn’t long until we agreed to meet in person. She also resided in Streatham, which was an added bonus and reduced the need for relocation. Continue reading

The Date with the Turk

  • Date:
  • Venue: Foundations, Covent Garden
  • Participant: Turkish Girl

I met this date a couple of weeks ago after my work Christmas party, at which I’d already had more than my fair share of wine. A group of us had moved on to a generic west end bar. She had been staring across at me too long for me to hold my ground. Of course, I thought she was attractive, otherwise I wouldn’t have crossed the threshold. We talked, we tongued, we taxied; unfortunately to our respective barracks. This would mean I’d have to date her. Continue reading

The Date with Thingy from Thingy

  • Date: 04.12.14
  • Venue: Café Kaizen
  • Participant: Thingy from thingy

I originally suggested Brixton for this date. Keep it close to home. Keep it familiar. And until 17.36 on the day of the date this was the plan. I was, as I am leading up to most dates, nervous and apprehensive; for this one those feelings were slightly amplified. Nevertheless, I was comfortable with the plan, and that’s a big part of the inner battle. But between 17.36 and 17.54 the venue changed, not once, but twice. No longer Brixton. No longer familiar. I was panicking. This was not a good start:


And I’d just planned my Journey… Continue reading

The Date with the Bus Journey

  • Date: 07.03.2014
  • Venue: Crown & Shuttle, Shoreditch
  • Participant: Tinder match #203

Ok, so here we find ourselves, back in the old Date Report territory. However, we have a new element to bring to the table this time. This participant was not organically sourced, but sourced through the world of tinder. A very first for me. Here is my experience. Continue reading

The Date with the Ballroom Dancer

  • Date: 15.02.13
  • Venue: Pix; Foundations
  • Participant: The Ballroom Dancer

I was out after work with a couple of colleagues and people from the ‘market’ – the Lloyd’s insurance market – in the Sterling bar, beneath the Gherkin. I was making small talk with various people, then got chatting to an attractive Bulgarian girl. She was a political violence broker, so we talked about work and insurance for a bit, before she mentioned that she used to be a dancer and was looking for a male ballroom partner.

“I used to do ballroom dancing” I lied. Continue reading

The Date with Agenda Girl

  • Date: 12.06.12
  • Venue: Mayor of Scaredycats Town
  • Participant: Agenda Girl #13

The meet was set for 6.15pm at the Bishopsgate exit for Liverpool Street. I arrived at about 6.11pm and text her with my exact location so I didn’t have to worry about looking out for her in the crowd (there’s always the worry you may not recognize them; that or I thought I might have the urge to run away). I then proceeded to send out texts so that I would have something to keep my mind occupied as I waited. She arrived soon after 6.15pm whilst I was engrossed in my phone. Textbook. Continue reading