The Date with the Bar Crawl

  • Date: 24.04.15
  • Venue: Market House; Prince of Wales; Gremios; Kaff
  • Participant: Happn Girl #3

Some people think Happn is quite ‘stalkerish’. I beg to differ. I met this girl on Happn. I’d first seen her a couple of months back, and gave her a like. No crush. I didn’t charm her. I’d already used up all my free ones in one drunken night’s session. I kept seeing her on Happn, so I presumed she must live in Brixton. Then one night I was out in Kaff bar and I saw her there. She was with another guy. It looked date-like. The next day I saw her on Happn. I looked at her profile again: active 2 months ago. This led me to believe she was seeing someone, probably the guy I saw her in Kaff with, and thus was no longer on the Happn market.

Over the next few weeks I would occasionally see her on Happn, and every now and then I would look at her profile: active 2 months ago; active 3 months ago… Then one day I looked at her profile: active one day ago. Hang on a minute. Here we go. She’s back in the market. I sent her a charm. I’d recently purchased some charms, mainly to use on this girl I’d seen out in Effra Social, bought her and her friend a drink, then they left. Completely mugged off, but I’m persistent. Anyway, that’s another story. Charm sent. Some people think Happn is quite ‘stalkerish’. I beg to differ.

A few days later, arriving back in London after a weekend on the Isle of Man, I received a new crush and a new message. It was her.

We exchanged a few messages then I used the ‘the messaging is really glitchy on here, want to move things to WhatsApp?’ line. We discussed places to go. Brixton obviously. A few bars were thrown around. Then she suggested we do a mini Brixton Bar crawl. Excellent idea. I like this girl. We had quite a few bars on our list. I said we’d have to be selective, or plan our route efficiently. She was a town planner who loved maps. I was an insurance legend who loved excel. I suggested I could build a spreadsheet to do this. She said a map would probably be more effective. Good point well made. She came up with a compromise. She would draw up a map, and I could create a spreadsheet to rate each of the bars on a variety of aspects. I like this girl.

This was amazing. She was allowing me to bring a spreadsheet on the date. For me, this is basically analogous to her saying her hot (female) friend can join us in the bedroom.

So, at work that day, hungover from the date the night before, I created the spreadsheet for the evening’s proceedings.

We decided the first venue would be Market House. We met on the corner just outside. It was very busy. Still, we decided to get a drink. I had a hangover that kept on giving, not helped by the two post work beers I’d had. I went with white wine. She went with cider. A role reversal I was very used to by now.

She was very keen to see the spreadsheet. Like most people I have Microsoft Office 365, which enables me to use Excel on my mobile device, which is essential. So I got my phone out and loaded up the spreadsheet. She was impressed, if a little bemused by how much effort I’d gone to. She hadn’t even made a map. So we filled out the scores for Market House and then moved onto the next bar: Prince of Wales.

I was starting to worry about over exposure in Brixton recently, particularly with us going to all these bars, but luckily last night’s date was in Manchester for the weekend, and tomorrow’s (also Brixton based) was likewise away. So tonight I could breathe easily.

The Prince of Wales is where the conversation really started to ramp up. One minute we were talking about why wine glasses have stems, the next we were debating whether foxes screamed because they were being attacked or mated with, or both. She then asked me if I knew any jokes. Good question I thought. I then reeled off quite a few one liners. Memorising Tim Vine jokes had finally paid off. One of them she enjoyed so much she got me to tell it three times. Time to move on. Next stop: Gremios.

So here I was again, second night in a row, with a different girl. We went to the bar together. Again I was served by the delightful, glorious, flirtatious, wonderful barmaid. “A glass of white wine for me, and whatever she wants.”

“The same one as last night?” Was she referring to the wine or my date? I think it was the wine.

“Yes, I’ll have the same one.” Your favourite.

My date looked at me confused. I think we’re all confused here to be honest.

“Large or small?” the barmaid asked.

I was just going to go with a small, but the barmaid was trying to make me go large – definitely flirting – and my date told her to give me a large as well. Trying to get me drunk. Fine by me.

Gremios was the best bar yet, and much more lively than the previous night. The conversation was flowing pretty well, and even when it dried up a bit I could just bring the spreadsheet out and start scoring. We were enjoying Gremios so much that we stayed for two drinks there.

Next venue was Kaff Bar. This was my date’s favourite place in Brixton and, as aforementioned, where I first saw her. This was to be our last venue. My memories of being in there are pretty vague, and I stupidly didn’t fill in the spreadsheet at the time. I don’t know whether something went wrong, but she left after our drinks in there. I was disappointed. Partly because I was hoping for a little kiss, and hugging, and maybe holding hands, but mainly because I was left with an incomplete spreadsheet…

Brixton Bar Crawl.jpg


So far I had come up with two pointless dates this weekend, but I thought this last one was my best chance of scoring, so, at odds with the TV game show, I placed this girl last: The Date with the Liberal Tory



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